Guilt
by tex m
Summary: when harry finally burst out, he and hermione have a rough and honest talk.


Guilt

Maybe was the way she was awry sited, or how she played with her wand between her fingers, both things unusual to her, but something struck him, and he had to let it out.

"It was my fault."

She straightened herself in the chair, not looking the least surprised by his sudden outburst.

"I never said it wasn't."

Kept playing with the wand, but her body language betrayed her seemingly relaxation. It could fool other people, but he knew it.

"Ow... so, so you blame me too."

Said hesitant, with a voice tone that, unconsciously, knew it made her softer, more susceptible to his sadness. It didn't work this time.

"No, but I won't stop you of feeling this way. Everyone is a little guilt. What matters is what you're gonna do with it.

She was tired. And he was deaf, apparently. Or catatonic, because couldn't prevent of stroking a little mirror, in which looked intently, trying to see something beyond his own image.

"Hermione, you don't get it." spoke finally "I had the mirror, and I simply forgot. You told me not to go, and I went anyway. It was stupid and my stupidity cost his life."

"Yes, perhaps."

Harry was shocked, from all people, he didn't though Hermione would ever speak like this.

"Like it just as easy, it could be the fact that Dumbledore locked him in that horrible house, or that he may have been careless when fought Belatrix…"

"Don't blame this on him!" Harry shouted irritated.

It was one of the things that annoyed her, his abrupt mood swings.

"I didn't say that. It's just that, not necessarily it was your fault. Harry, feeling guilt is good, as long as this guilt make you act so nothing like this would ever happen again. Now, sitting there with only your self-pity as company is just… pathetic.

That brought a bitter smile to his lips.

"I didn't know you had exchanged names."

She didn't understand for one moment, and that slip was everything Harry need it.

"And what you know about guilt? Everything you do is perfect, you always know everything, always protect everybody else. You're the last person who can lecture me.

The punch wasn't particularly aggressive, but was righteous. She swayed with the clash, but gather herself together.

Now it was a different story, if he wanted to play rough, that was what she's going to do. All her poise was different, her eyes sparkled dangerously and the wand, loose in her hands until moments ago, had been firmly griped.

"It's that how you think it happens? That the only person who gets to feel the weight of the world in theirs backs, is you? That only you have the right? Just because you're the boy-who-fucking-lived? News-flash, don't you think that I'm eaten by guilt every time I remember that you could have died just because I was careless, and then you and Neville had to carry me back and forth in that place. Or when I almost kill us and Umbridge with those centaurs. See how I'm also pathetic, I feel guilt for Umbridge! And all other small things that could have gotten wrong because of mine mistakes. Or the things that I did and it might be mistakes, like erasing Ron's memory or the whole Krecher story…"

Was interrupted unexpectedly by his surprise.

"You erased Ron's memory? Under which circumstances?"

"Hum, he told me he liked me, and I, just couldn't handle it..."

"And what did you answer?" a maniac look took his features.

"If you let me finish. I didn't answer it actually, truthfully, I just pull out my wand and obliviated him a couple times."

"Couple times?"

"Well, is that when he got out confusion state he resolve to confess again, and then I had no choice."

Although perceptible relieved, there was censorship in his voice.

"You shouldn't have done that. If you don't like him you should just tell him. You don't, do you?

The response was so quick that it even frightened.

"Of course not! But, Harry, if I had told him, he would have been hurt, and if I didn't answer he would have hope, you know how he is, and, at the time, it was the only thing that crossed my mind."

"But twice?"

"Ow Harry, what exaggeration, there's not going to be any permanent damage. Besides, I don't think he really likes me, he only likes to think like that."

"How do you know? Don't you have any consideration for his feelings?"

"And what about him having some consideration for my feelings? What moves him is the prospect of him having something you don't, you know, get the girl or something of that matter. He never thought if I would want to know this, and he drops this bomb right after Sirius died, and I'm hurt and you having to face Voldemort! He's the insensitive one!"

He had stopped, looking catatonic again.

"Harry?"

"How do you know?"

"Know what?"

"Abou the prophecy! How do you know about the prophecy? Dumbledore told you, or was myself and then you obliviated me?"

It all started with a whisper, but ended with a strangled shout. When noticed her face become suddenly pale, he knew he had made a mistake.

"So that's what the prophecy says. I already suspected, but even so, it's a stun to know that is true" speaking more to herself then to him "Harry, what the prophecy exactly says?"

Defeated: "It basically tells that I have to kill him, or he'll kill me"

He expected anything, except for her frustrated expression.

"But it didn't said anything, how to defeat him or something?"

"No, I don't think so."

She looked tired again.

"Well, so what are the big news?"

"You mean, you knew it?"

"It was pretty obvious, wasn't it? You defeated him once, no, a bunch of times, and he always seemed a little obsessed with you. Was simply logical."

He felt stupid and empty; know that she had spoken it made so much sense. And it made him feel even guiltier for going that night.

They face each other for a long time in a heavy, comfortable silence.

"I argued with my parents."

"Why?"

"Because I got hurt, and had to tell them some things that they didn't necessarily needed to know, and they didn't want me to go back to Hogwarts, or see you, and I should be a good daughter, go to Oxford and be a physician or a dentist. Of course I didn't care, after all they were just being parents."

Said all in one breathe looking extremely aggrieved.

"Maybe their right, you know. Maybe you are completely nuts for keep wanting to help me. You've been hit once, nothing stops for you to be again, but this time with farther worse consequences."

"You must be the nut one, Harry. If, in helping Sirius, you're already this way, imagine how I would be if anything happened to you and I wouldn't be there to help. It would be best if I would die already."

She didn't even notice how, but in one instant he was in front of her.

"Never say that, the possibility of my death is quite real and if anything happens to you, it all would be in vain. Is that what frightens me the most, something happening to you, I have nightmares at night, you being hit again, and again, and again, only this time you won't wake up and it's all despair. Hermione, it's only because of you that I haven't give up yet, that's why you have to promise, no mater what happens, you'll be safe. Promise me."

Was breathless, caught by surprise of his sudden forced closeness, thing that he usually wouldn't do. Felt an urge to speak, but the shock wouldn't let her.

"Please" he was begging "just promise!"

"I, I promise."

And neither of the two of them knew how it began, or who started, but suddenly they where tugging at each other like their lives depended on that. And they kind of did.

And with a cry of defeat, they washed all the guilt away.


End file.
